The Bachelor Party
by TheGryfter
Summary: Lois and Clark are getting married. The Justice League absconds to Coast City for Clark's bachelor party. They're there to have some fun - leave the hero thing behind for a couple of stress free days! Besides, nothing can possibly go wrong, can it?
1. What A Great Idea

…**the ****bachelor party…**

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…**what a great idea…**

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_Summer, 2013._

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"Woohoo! JLA in the hiz-ouse, baby!"

Bart Allen whipped open the double doors leading to the President's Suite and swept inside. He literally danced with glee when he caught sight of the massive, sumptuous interior. The hotel suite actually had two wings, a full bar, a dining room that seated twelve, a lounge and a wrap-around balcony, offering magnificent views of the Coast City waterfront.

"Er… JLA?" Oliver Queen enquired, as he led Clark Kent, Victor Stone and Arthur Curry (AC to his friends) through the doors.

"Yeah, well, you know those guys you and Clark told us about… the JSA?" Bart explained, "They were the Justice Society of America, right? Well… we're the Justice _League_ of America."

"Bart," said Clark, "That's just stupid."

Bart pulled a face and dumped his bag on a couch. The rest of the guys fanned out, examining the room.

"The squirt's got taste, though," said AC, "This room is awesome!"

"The squirt?" Oliver was offended, "I paid for it!"

"I booked this weekend!" Bart insisted.

"With my credit card," Oliver pointed out.

"You weren't using it," said Bart, "Besides, I'm the Best Man! I had to set up our digs!"

"You're the Best Man coz Clark pulled your name out of a hat," said Victor, "And how do we know you didn't use your speed to rig that?"

"I would've seen him," said Clark.

"See!" Bart stuck his tongue out at Victor.

"Why do you even need a Best Man?" Oliver whined, sounding hurt.

"Because, if I had a choice, your girlfriend would be my Best Man," said Clark, "But nooo… she's Lois' cousin, so she has to be Maid of Honour…"

"Yeah, yeah, we heard the whole whiny, insanely creepy story enough times, bro," said AC, "Can we get this party started?"

"Absolutely!"

Bart sprang into action, and an array of drinks _appeared_ on the bar counter.

"Bart, why are you even bothering with this?" asked Clark, "You know alcohol doesn't affect me."

"It affects me just fine!" said AC, grabbing a beer.

"Don't you worry, mister soon-to-be ball to Lois' chain…"

"Mister _what_?"

"I got you covered."

Bart finished pouring a series of double shots that included tequila, vodka, absinthe, Stroh rum and something that made the drinks hiss like beakers in a B-Grade horror movie.

"What do you mean?" asked Clark, suddenly worried.

"I mean… _this!_"

Bart pulled a ring from his pocket. It was a large, cheesy gold number with a blue stone for a centrepiece.

"What is that?" asked Victor.

"Blue kryptonite," said Bart, "Clark becomes human and he can enjoy all the festivities just like a regular schmuck!"

"Oh no…" Clark backed away, "I can't do that!"

"Why not?" asked Bart, "You can just take it off when the party's over."

"Because!" said Clark, "What if something happens? We've got a lot to worry about right now, and I don't think me getting stripped of my powers and mainlining tequila is the best thing to do!"

"It's your bachelor party, bro!" said AC, "What do you have to worry about?"

"Well… well…" Clark searched for a reason, and fell back on an old staple, "There's Lex!"

"Clark," Oliver slung an arm around his shoulder, "God forgive me, but I actually agree with the midget on this…"

"Hey!" Bart protested.

"Lex Luthor will still be campaigning for the presidency on Monday," said Oliver, "And even if something does go wrong, you got four other heroes here with you. We can take care of anything that happens. We don't need a suped-up Clark."

"I'm not sure," said Clark.

"Come on, Boyscout!" said Bart, offering Clark the ring and a drink, "Live a little."

Clark sighed. He grabbed the ring and slipped it onto his finger.

Bart cheered.

"That's the spirit!"

Clark grinned, and sipped at the beer. Bart started lining the shots up in front of them.

"Alright, Best Man about to make a toast!" he announced.

"Are you going to refer to yourself as Best Man all weekend?" asked Victor.

"Yes," said Bart, handing them their glasses.

Victor shrugged and accepted the shot. Once they all had one, they lifted their glasses in the air.

"To Clark Kent," said Bart, "The bravest man in the world for having the stones to marry Lois Lane!"

"Hear, hear!" shouted Oliver.

They laughed, clinked glasses, and downed the shots. Clark's now very-human reaction was to choke and bang his fist on the table. Bart giggled, and handed him another.

"Come on," said Bart, "This is just the beginning."

"Sure," said Clark, "I mean… what's the worst that could happen?"

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_Later. _

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_._

_Snore. _

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_Much later. _

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_._

_Mumble…_

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_Much, much later. _

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_._

Clark groaned as he was dragged from the blissful abyss of the deepest, most satisfying sleep he had ever known.

He kept his eyes firmly closed against the intrusive light that bounced off his face.

He muttered a curse against all light everywhere and tried to get back to sleep again.

The warm body curled in his arms was comforting, and Clark wrapped himself around it.

"Lois…" he moaned.

He felt the body shifting slightly, trying to get comfortable.

"Sorry," Clark whispered, "Did I wake you?"

"S'okay..."

A pause.

Wait.

That wasn't Lois' voice.

"Lois?"

"Wha…?"

Again – that _wasn't_ Lois' voice!

Slowly…

Ever so slowly….

With growing, mounting trepidation…

Clark opened his eyes.

Just as another pair of eyes, not three inches from his own, were opening.

Grey eyes.

_So not Lois!_

It was…

It was…

"Oh… God!" Clark wanted to throw up.

He chose to scream instead.

So did the other occupant of the bed.

"Aargh!"

"Aargh!"

"_Aargh!_"

"_Aargh!_"

"_**Aargh!"**_

"_**Aargh!"**_

"Clark?"

"Lex?"

Clark leapt backwards, disentangling himself from Lex. He crashed off the bed, banging his head against the edge of the dresser.

Stars exploded behind his eyes.

Lex collided with a wall and collapsed on the other side of the bed.

As Clark's vision swam, and he felt himself drifting back to the land of the unconscious, he could manage only one clear, coherent thought…

"_When I get hold of Bart… I'm gonna kill him!"_

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A/N: Alright, the new story... Written as an homage to _The Hangover - _a movie we now know for a fact that Lois owns.

This is gonna get silly, and a little OOC, obviously. But I hope it'll be fun.

Dedicated to anyone who - like me - fell off their chair laughing when they saw_ The Hangover..._


	2. Puzzle Pieces

…**puzzle pieces – so many of them…**

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It was a morning for rude awakenings.

The second time Clark came round, someone was slapping his face.

"Clark…? Clark?"

Clark tried to open his eyes, but the pain flared up again and he winced.

"Are you okay?"

"Oliver?"

Clark put a tentative hand to the back of his head. Definite goose egg there. This was not good.

Clark was used to pain. Since every freak and his mother seemed to have access to kryptonite, he'd felt his blood literally boiling on so many occasions he was almost used to it.

But a crack on the back of the head, and the dizziness and stabbing pains that went with a possible concussion were something else.

Clark didn't know how humans handled it.

Oliver held his arm to steady him as Clark sat up.

"You sounded like you were having a nightmare," said Oliver.

"If I was, it was a bad one," said Clark.

"Thanks for the wake-up, by the way," said Oliver, "There's nothing like the sound of screaming to really kick a hangover into high gear."

Just the word 'hangover' set the drums beating behind Clark's eyes again, and he groaned.

Oliver looked as bad as he felt.

Which wasn't surprising considering the former Prince of the Metropolis Bad Boys was kinda, sorta, supposed to be on the bandwagon. Another bad decision racked up to the events of the night.

The two men clung to each other, and basically used the other for leverage as they got to their feet.

"So what was the nightmare about?" asked Oliver, "You pictured your wedding night, and saw Lois coming at you with a kryptonite whip?"

"What?"

"Just saying… it's a possibility."

"No," said Clark, "It was worse than that. Much, much worse. It…"

Clark didn't finish his thought. He heard a groan. And it didn't come from Oliver.

Oliver's eyes tracked over as a hand came up and gripped the sheets, followed by a bald head. Mewling like a stuck kitten, Lex rose to his feet.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Oliver Queen?"

One billionaire fixed a pair of bleary, unfocused eyes on the other.

"And what the hell are you wearing?" asked Oliver.

Only now did Clark bother to notice that there was writing on the t-shirt Lex was wearing. He had to read it twice to make sure the hangover-slash-concussion wasn't messing with him.

"Hey! Did the party move to this room?"

Bart bounced in off the doorframe. Oliver had to be quick to shoot out an arm and stop the young speedster from collapsing. Bart stared at Lex.

"Ponytail!" he shouted, still a little drunk, obviously, "What are you doing here, and why the hell are you wearing that?"

Bart turned an accusing gaze on Clark, and pointed a finger in his face.

"No fair, Clark!" he bawled, "Why's he wearing that?"

"Bart, please… stop shouting."

"Okay, I'd like the answer to both those questions," said Lex.

He had his head tilted to the side, clutching at the hem of his shirt, trying to read it upside down.

"Sick…? Sick… what?"

"It's upside down, you moron!" said Oliver, "It says: _Kiss Me, I'm The Best Man!_"

"He can't be the Best Man!" Bart was still shouting, "I'm the Best Man! Name out've a hat, an everythin'! Said it right there! M'name! Barry Allen!"

"That's not your name," said Clark.

"Right… right, sorry…" said Bart, "Wally West!"

"Are you having an identity crisis, or something?" Oliver asked.

"Alright, I don't know what the hell you three did to me," said Lex, "But I am an important man! Candidate for president! You can't treat me like this!"

"Why is everyone so loud?" AC made his entrance, clutching his hands over his ears, "Seriously… uncool!"

"Four of you!' Lex backed away into a corner, knocking over the bedside lamp, "It's a conspiracy!"

"Oh, God…" Oliver muttered, "You've just got paranoia on tap, don't you?"

"Okay, okay…" said Clark, "Let's just all calm down. Now… does anyone remember anything about what happened last night?"

"No," said Oliver.

"No," said Lex.

"Sorry," said Bart.

"Hey, I think the chick might," said AC.

"Chick?" said Clark, "What chick?"

"The one scarfing down all the room service," AC jerked a thumb over his shoulder.

The other four looked at each other, then proceeded to bump, kick, and trip each other up in the mad scramble to get out of the bedroom.

Clark made it through the door, and tripped over a life-sized blow-up doll of Britney Spears. He hit the floor face-first, and the concussion made a comeback.

Lex tramped on Clark like a drawbridge and actually made it to the living room.

Once Clark peeled himself off the floor for a second time, they all gawped at the leggy, busty blonde sitting at the end of the dining table munching on pancakes.

"_Who are you?_" screamed Lex, planting his hands on the table and all but spitting in the girl's face, "_What are you doing here?_"

"Easy, baldy," said Oliver, grabbing the back of Lex's shirt and dragging him away.

"Sorry," Lex muttered, "I'm just… under a lot of stress right now…"

Clark stepped forward, "Sorry to, er… interrupt your breakfast," he said, "But… we would like to know who you are."

"…seriously…" Lex rambled on, "What with the campaign, and the press harping on the _back from the dead _thing…"

"Sugar, you of all people should remember me," said the girl, smirking at Clark.

"Me?"

"So I made a miraculous comeback," said Lex, "It's not the first time. You'd think they'd be used to it."

"Seriously, bro," said AC, "Pipe down!"

Lex shut up. They all looked from Clark, to the girl, and back to Clark again.

"You were so sweet," the girl cooed, "Telling me you loved me… promising to show me the sunset from your loft…"

Clark choked. It felt like he'd swallowed liquidised kryptonite.

"Oh, dude…" Bart grimaced, "Lois is gonna string you up, compadre."

"Lois!"

"Is that her name?" asked the girl.

"Yes, yes!" Clark could hardly breathe, "She's my fiancée, and I love her, and whatever I said to you last night, it... it was the alcohol, and the short idiot over here that was responsible!"

"Hey!" said Bart.

"So… you're not going to show me your telescope?"

"_What? No!_"

The girl broke into a loud, trilling cackle. She clapped her hands in delight. They looked at her like she was an alien.

"I'm just messin' with y'all!" she said, "I heard you sayin' all that stuff to your girl on the phone! Couldn't resist! This isn't my first bachelor party."

"So, you're a… er…" Oliver tried to find the right word.

"Exotic dancer?" she finished for him, "Yes, I am. And on the subject, the pancakes are delicious, and all… but I'd like to get paid."

"Er, sure…" said Oliver, "But, er… could you help us out first?"

"Y'need some help putting the pieces together?"

"Yes!" Lex bawled, "It's always the same! You have no idea! Everytime I'm around Clark Kent I just can't get the pieces to fit!"

"We're all struggling with that, Lex," said Clark, "I mean… how does an entire Friday night just disappear?"

"Friday?" the girl laughed again, "Whoo… you boys must've been even more far gone than I realised! Today ain't Saturday!"

"Sunday?" Oliver tried, desperately.

She shook her head, "It's Monday, sugar!"

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	3. The Absence Of Anything

…**the absence of anything…**

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Clark was alarmed.

Keeping a wary eye on the girl, he clicked his tongue, and nodded his head meaningfully toward a corner.

The others just stared at him.

"Over there…" he hissed, marching away.

They followed, and gathered into a rough huddle away from the stripper – who seemed perfectly content with the situation and attacked a fresh batch of pancakes.

"This is getting serious," said Clark, "We were out for two full days?"

"I don't think we were out," said Oliver, "We just can't remember it."

"Adds up to the same thing," insisted Clark.

"What does it matter?" asked AC, "Let's just pay the chick and go home."

"Good idea," said Bart. He slapped Oliver's arm, "Pay the girl, Queen."

"Me?" said Oliver, "You're the Best Man, you pay her!"

"According to the t-shirt, Lex is the Best Man. He can pay her!"

"I don't pay for women," said Lex.

"Yeah, right!" said Bart.

"Fine!" said Oliver, "I'll do it."

He checked his pockets.

"My wallet's gone."

Clark slapped his forehead, and for the first time took a look at his hand.

"The ring's gone."

AC was looking around the suite.

"Victor's gone."

"Man, we were really out of it," said Bart.

Clark was struck with sudden fear. "How can the ring be gone?"

"You lost your wedding ring before the wedding?" Lex smirked, "Good one, Clark!"

"It's not the wedding ring!" said Clark, then, remembering that Lex was supposed to have no memory of his secret identity, "It's… a special ring. A ring I wore to… to, er…"

"To remind him that there are children starving in Africa," said Bart.

"What?"

"Best I could come up with."

"You mean the blue kryptonite ring that takes away your powers, effectively rendering you a human?" said Lex.

"_That_ you remember?" said Clark.

Lex shrugged.

"Well how can I not have the ring and still get hurt?" asked Clark, "It's impossible!"

"Does it have to be _on_ you?" asked Oliver.

"At least near to me," said Clark, "Do any of you have it?"

They all checked their pockets. They all shook there heads.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Guys!" AC cut in, "Priorities, please! Victor's missing!"

"Who's Victor?" asked Lex.

"You know him," said Clark, "You locked him up and experimented on him once."

"Gotta give me more than that," said Lex.

"You turned him into a cyborg so you could build an army," said Oliver.

"Describing half of Kansas, Ohio and Michigan right now," said Lex.

"It doesn't matter," said Bart.

"I got it," said AC.

He stepped away from them, and approached the stripper.

"Uh… miss?"

"Darlin', you can call me D."

"Just D?"

"Just D."

"Cool, I'm AC."

"This is getting us nowhere," said Clark, "Uh… D? We had another friend with us… he's about… this tall, kinda well-built…"

"He's black," said Bart.

Clark shot him a recriminating look.

"What?" said Bart, "We're wasting time."

"Sorry," said D, "It was just you guys at the club last night."

"And what club would that be?" asked Oliver.

"Club XS – it's down by the beach."

"We should retrace our steps," said Oliver, "Maybe we can find Victor."

"Or… you could just call him," said Lex.

Oliver pulled a 'neener-neener' face. He hustled around the room, flinging aside empty pizza boxes, bottles of champagne, a wind-up toy monkey with cymbals, four stuffed pink elephants and what looked like a cardboard cut-out of Wayne Newton until he emerged with his cellphone.

He found Victor's number and dialled.

He waited.

"No answer," he said.

"Give me that," said Clark, snatching the phone.

"I'm telling you, he's not answering," said Oliver.

"I'm not calling him, I'm calling Lois."

"It took you until now to realise you should call your fiancée?" Bart chuckled, "Dude, you are so dead!"

Clark ignored him. He dialled Lois' number.

"Ollie?" came her voice when the call connected.

"No, Lois," he said, "It's Clark."

"Clark?"

"Yeah, listen, I…"

"You have some nerve calling me!" said Lois.

"What?"

"After the crap you pulled, how dare you?"

"I, er…" Clark was lost.

"I told you already! I don't ever want to hear your voice again!"

She hung up. Clark stared at the phone.

"What is it?" asked Oliver.

"Lois, she, er… she sounded pretty mad."

"Like how mad?" asked Oliver, "Like why-didn't-read-my-column mad? Or, -how-dare-you-call-Whitesnake-a-punk-band mad?"

"Like… you-look-fat-in-those-jeans mad."

"Oh, dude…"

"We gotta figure out what the hell happened this weekend!" Clark was starting to feel real panic now.

"The rest of you can play detective," said Lex, "I'm out of here!"

Lex made for the door, but AC blocked his way.

"No way, bro," he said, "We got some questions for you too."

"Yeah," said Oliver, "Like what the hell are you even doing in Coast City?"

"I had a meeting in the hotel this weekend. I didn't know you morons were going to be here."

"Yeah, well, you're part of this now," said Bart, "So either you help us, or…"

"Or what?" demanded Lex.

"Or we release the video of you and Clark in bed to the press. What do you think that'll do to your chances in the election?"

"What video?" said Clark.

"Didn't you notice?" said Bart, "There's a video camera in your room. It's on a tripod and everything."

They stared at each other. Then began another mad dash, this time back to the bedroom.

Clark tripped over the Britney blow-up doll again.

Sure enough, in the bedroom they found a camera on a tripod in the corner. Bart clipped it off and, after literally a second of searching the entire suite, came up with the cords to hook it up to the plasma screen mounted to the wall. It was digital, so he didn't have to rewind, before he hit play.

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	4. Exhibit A

A/N: If you're opposed to silly, rambling, drunken conversations, turn back now!

For the scenes where the guys put together what happened over the weekend, I decided to use script form, so you can tell the difference. This one had the 'convenient' set up of a camera, but I'm going to do all of them like that. It's just a fun way of distnguishing between the past and a flashback.

Anyway, on with the show...

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…**exhibit-a…**

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_Black Screen. Sound of scuffling. _

**Clark:** Bart, put it down.

**Bart:** Come on, Clark! We gotta record some o' this! For our future posterior!

**Clark:** Posterity.

**Bart:** What?

**Lex:** Bart, I'm afraid you won't be recording anything… not until you take the lens cap off.

**Bart:** Huh? Oh…

_Screen flickers, and we see interior of hotel suite. Clark and Lex reclined on armchairs, sipping champagne. In background, as __Bart pans camera around to show rest of suite, we see Oliver perched on bar, singing very off-key. _

Oliver: _Sometimes I run… Sometimes I hide… Sometimes I'm scared of you… But all I really want is to hold you tight…_

**AC:** _Hold you tight…_

_AC waltzes across __screen. His dancing partner is blow-up Britney doll. _

**Oliver:** _Be with you day and night…_ Come on! Everybody!

**Clark:** I'm not singing that song!

**Lex:** Neither am I!

**Oliver:** Why not?

**Clark:** I hate Britney Spears!

_Collective gasp from Oliver and Bart. AC stops dancing, swings on Clark and Lex, looking hurt. _

**AC:** Take it back, Boyscout!

**Clark:** What?

_AC holds doll out to Clark. _

**AC:** You take it back and apologise, right now!

**Lex:** I believe you owe the lady an apology, Clark.

**Clark:** You didn't wanna sing either.

**Lex:** True, but I didn't insult her. I didn't want to spoil one of Britney's most… soulful songs with my awful singing voice.

**Bart (voice):** You're a fan, Lex?

**Lex:** Her first video, she was a slutty schoolgirl. What do you think?

**Oliver:** They should have you talking about _that_ on Larry King.

**Lex:** I don't think Larry can handle it.

**AC:** You guys think Victor's okay?

**Bart:** 'Course! Leave Vic alone! He's happy where he is.

**Oliver:** I guess.

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_Screen goes black for thirty seconds, before:_

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_Oliver's face fills screen, extreme close-up. _

**Oliver:** You know that thing has a zoom function, Impulse. You don't have to literally shove it in my face.

**Bart:** Sorry.

_Camera pulls back a bit. _

**Bart:** 'Kay, you ready?

_Oliver clears throat. _

**Oliver:** Clark, I just wanna say… congratulations, man. I'm really happy for you and Lois. Really. I am! She's uh… she's great. She's so… you know, smart, and… funny, and sexy. Unbelievably sexy. She's got that tight, toned body, you know?

**Bart:** Ollie, what are you doing?

**Oliver:** Sorry… sorry… didn't mean to, er… to go there. Just coz I had Lois and I was dumb enough to let her go, doesn't mean, er… that I'm… bitter or anything. Coz I'm not! I'm not! I'm really… really happy for you guys!

**Bart:** Dude, you look like you're about to cry!

_Oliver wipes eyes with back of hand. _

**Oliver:** I'm not! Shut up!

_Oliver raises glass. _

**Oliver (very fast):** To Clark and Lois! Congratulations! There!

_Oliver ducks off camera. Bart swings round, following Oliver as he hurries out to balcony. _

**Bart:** Ollie? Ollie? Dude, you're not gonna jump, are ya?

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_Screen goes blank. Slightly longer this time. _

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_Lex appears on screen. Also drinking liberal amounts of champagne. He peers into camera, brow puckered, and questioning. _

**Lex:** My message for Lois and Clark?

**Bart:** Yeah, you know… just… well wishes, and whatnot.

**Lex:** Okay, I guess I can do that.

_Lex clears throat, prepares himself. Stares straight into camera. He opens his mouth. Nothing comes out. _

**Bart:** Lex?

**Lex:** It's okay, I can do this.

_Lex clears throat again, peers into camera, and… nothing. _

**Bart:** Come on, Lex! You of all people should have something to say to Clark. Especially after what happened last night.

**Lex:** You're right. I'm sorry. Let's do this…

_One more time. _

**Lex:** Clark, We met in, er… strange circumstances. Usually, when you run someone off a bridge you don't get to be friends later. Unless you're both dead, and in heaven. But you and me… that's exactly what happened. We became friends. And it was great. Until I messed it up!

_Lex becomes emotional, holds up a hand. _

**Lex:** No, no… don't say anything! It's true! I messed up! I mean… I dropped an ice fortress on your head! Who does that?

_Lex dabs at his eyes, appears to compose himself. _

**Lex:** You know what? I should do this in person. Not to a camera. Where is he?

_Lex looks around. _

**Lex:** Clark? Clark?

_Bart swings camera. Out of focus red-and-blue smudge on couch. Bart focuses picture. Clark is sitting on couch, deep in conversation with Britney doll. Bart moves in closer, picks up conversation. _

**Clark:** No, really, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to insult you like that. I love your music. That one video… wear you're wearing nothing but diamonds, it's… it's genius, is what it is! Genius! You, Miss Spears, are a true artist, and I just wanna say…

**Lex (voice):** Clark?

_Lex flops onto couch beside Clark. Bart tracks wide to get them both in shot. _

**Lex:** There's something I have to say to you, man. Especially now… just before you get married.

**Clark (concerned):** Lex, what is it?

**Lex:** You… are a great guy. You are!

**Clark (bashful):** Lex…

**Lex:** I mean it. Forgiving me for everything I did. Trying to kill you… Lana! Everything! I mean… now that I know the truth, you were just trying to protect me!

**Clark:** Of course! Lex, I would never let anyone hurt you.

**Lex:** I know that now, Clark. And I'm grateful.

**Clark:** I hope you know how much your friendship means to me. But it always seemed like… like my secret got in the way. Like because I have my abilities I could never really commit to this friendship. And I want to Lex! I want to! It's like, er… it's like Britney…

_Clark picks up doll. _

**Clark:** It's like Britney says in that song of hers…

**Lex:** _Hit me baby, one more time?_

**Clark:** No, the other one.

**Lex:** _What we do is innocent? Just for fun, and nothing meant?_

**Clark:** No, not that one.

**Bart (voice):** Guys, you're starting to make me a little uncomfortable.

**Clark:** _Oops! I did it again! I played with your heart! Got lost in the game! _I don't wanna get lost in the game again, Lex! I don't want my abilities to ruin our friendship.

**Lex:** Well, they're not ruining anything now.

**Clark:** That's because I have this ring on. I'm Clark-lite right now, and… you know what? Screw that! I'm going to prove it!

_Clark takes off ring. He bashes it against table. Stone splits from setting. _

**Bart (voice):** Clark, what the hell are you doing?

**Clark:** What I should have done a long time ago!

_Clark holds up ring and, suddenly, swallows it whole!_

**Bart (voice):** Oh my God!

**Clark:** Now it's a part of me! No more super-Clark to come between me and my best friend!

_Clark and Lex hug. _

_Screen goes black again._

_._

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	5. Relinquishing Power

…**relinquishing power…**

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Bart stopped the tape.

To say there was a stunned silence would be a gross misrepresentation. The centre of a black hole was a bitching rave party compared to the silence that descended on the room.

Sometime during the playback, Lex and Clark had – as inconspicuously as possible – crabbed sideways so that the other three now formed a barrier between them.

"Well," said Oliver, at last, "At least we know where the kryptonite ring went."

"Yeah," said Bart, "You had nothing to worry about, Clark."

"Nothing to worry about?"

"Well, you'll get your powers back," he said, "You know… eventually."

Clark growled and stepped away from the TV.

"It still doesn't explain why Lois is mad at me," he said, "Or where Victor is…"

"Or what happened to my wallet," said Oliver.

"Or how baldy here ended up hanging out with us in the first place," said AC, hooking a thumb at Lex.

Lex glared at him.

"Call me baldy one more time, and I'm organising Coast City's first surfer-boy stir-fry."

"I've been wondering about that," said Bart, "On the tape, I was going on about something that happened the night before. The reason you and Clark are now BFF's..."

"We're not BFF's!" said Clark and Lex, in unison.

"Whatever," said Bart, "Seems like something big went down."

"It doesn't matter!" said Lex, "I'm getting out of here. I just want to forget this whole thing ever happened!"

Brushing past the gathered heroes, Lex exited the bedroom. Clark and the others followed him – each of them now careful to step over the Britney doll.

"You can't leave yet, Lex," said Clark.

"Give me one good reason!"

"Because…" Clark sputtered, "You just can't! Something weird happens. We investigate and figure it out. That's just the way it goes."

"Not in my world," said Lex.

"Are one of you gonna pay me anytime soon?"

It was D. She was now reclined on the couch, reading a newspaper. Oliver gave Lex an enquiring look. Lex sneered, but he fished his wallet out of his pocket.

"How much?" he asked.

"Two thousand dollars," said D.

"_Two thousand dollars?_" Lex was incredulous, "What exactly did you do last night?"

"Well…" D appeared to go over the checklist in her head, "There was the light show, the thing with the stepladder, the fantasy dance, the bubble game, the…"

"Nevermind!" said Lex, ripping a stack of hundreds out.

"Man…" Bart whistled, "Wish we'd got _that_ on tape!"

Lex counted out the money and handed it over. D flashed him a flirtatious smile and stuffed the wad down her bra. She folded up the paper and stood.

"By the way, I'm very proud of you, Mr. Luthor," she said, "It was very brave what you did."

D gave Lex a quick peck on the cheek and skipped out of the suite. Lex turned to the others, frowning.

"What did she mean by that?"

Clark shrugged. But then his eyes were drawn to the front page of the paper. He crossed to the couch and picked up the Coast City Courier. He scanned the main article, his eyes growing larger and larger as he took in the details.

"Oh…" he said.

"What?" Lex demanded.

Clark held the paper out to him. Lex read the headline and choked.

"_**Luthor Drops Out Of Race!**_

_Billionaire politician pledges his life and fortune to charitable causes!"_

"_What the hell?_" Lex stormed.

Bart, ever eager, crept up behind Lex and tried to read over his shoulder. Problem was, he was too short, and ended up jumping up and down, only catching the story in spurts.

"In a televised conference…" he began, "Live from his hotel suite in… Coast City… Lex Luthor sensationally… dropped out of the race... for the White House."

"What?"

Chuckling, Oliver came over and grabbed the paper from Lex. Lex didn't protest. He was staring at a spot on the floor like he wished he had heat vision. If he had, the entire hotel might have been in trouble. He was also shaking.

Oliver read the rest.

"In a shockingly candid speech from the usually-polished Metropolis resident, Luthor attributed his decision to a friend he had recently been reacquainted with. 'My old friend Clark Kent has reminded me that the quest for power is not the path to fulfilment,' said Luthor, from the King George suite of the Coast City Cathedral Hotel, 'I have decided to put my considerable influence behind efforts that will directly benefit the less fortunate in this country. Something I'd struggle to do from within the halls of power in Washington.'"

"Whoah…" AC couldn't keep the grin off his face.

"Shut it!" Lex hissed.

"It's gets better," said Oliver, "When prompted as to which charities will be top of his list of beneficial endeavours, Luthor waxed eloquent about the wonderful work being done by the Garfield Foundation in Metropolis, an NGO specialising in kitten adoptions."

"Wow, Lex…" said Bart, "I never knew you had a heart."

"This is outrageous!" said Lex, "We have to find out what happened!"

"Oh, so now you're interested in solving the mystery?" said Clark.

With a snarl, Lex launched himself at Clark. In a mad whirl of scratching and biting, they went over the side table and crashed to the floor. Clark would have pulled Lex's hair, if he had any. They rolled end over end, knocking over a lamp and finally bumping into the terrace doors.

"Chick fight!" yelled Bart, bursting with glee.

Oliver and AC rushed over and, with considerable effort, managed to separate the two combatants.

"Enough!" Oliver yelled.

"Ollie's right," said Bart, "We're all in this together. Now, you two… kiss and make up."

That was the last thing Bart knew. Clark and Lex both chose that moment to punch his lights out.

.

.

.


End file.
